Day 9
Panning for Gold
Honoring your parents is like panning for gold. When you are panning for gold, you are
free to throw out the part that is not gold, but you are not free to stop panning. You
cannot say, " There is so little gold here that I'll just stop panning.” Gold exists in your
parents if you will keep searching. Your parents have good qualities, if you will look for
them. Of course, the better your parents are, the easier it will be to honor them.
What Honoring Parents DOES NOT Mean
Though you are required by the Lord to keep searching for the "gold" in your parents,
there are misconceptions about your responsibility to honor them that need to be
clarified.
Honoring parents does not mean:
What Honoring Parents DOES Mean
There are certain responsibilities that you do have towards your parents as a part of
your responsibility to honor them.
The Nature Of Parent-Child Responsibilities Changes
Over Time
In evaluating your future relationship with your parents, it is important that you
understand that your responsibilities towards your parents change dramatically as you
grow up. Children living in their parents' home are a very different circumstance than
adult children who have left the home, and Scripture makes clear these changing
responsibilities.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and
mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: "that it may be well with you
and you may live long on the earth;" And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to
wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:1-4)
As adults, children do not owe their parents this same sort of obedience, and parents no
longer have this same level of responsibility to make sure the children live Godly lives.
There Is No Formula
As an adult, there is no set formula as to what "honoring" means in your relationship
with your parents. Some parents are very safe, and honoring them is easy and can be
done in a broad range of ways. Others parents are very destructive, either to you or to
your children. In such situations there may have to be severe limitations as to what is
safe. But in such a situation, you can still turn your heart towards them by praying for
them.
Summary
If life is not going well for you, it is very possible that at least a part of the difficulty is
that you are not honoring your parents. The laws of God are then working to bring
difficulty into your life.
The necessity to honor one's parents is an ongoing future requirement. It requires that
we have our hearts turned towards them, and that we seek to have as much relationship
with them as is possible in keeping with safety and healthy self-care.
It is important that we see the truth about them. Seeing their faults is not
"dishonoring." However, we are not free to ignore their good attributes. We need to
keep "panning for gold," because there is always "gold" somewhere.
"Judging" and "dishonoring" are different, but linked to each other. If we have judged
our parents, it will be very difficult to truly "honor" them. If we find it difficult to
"honor" them, we probably have some forgiving to do first.
There is no formula regarding what sort of relationship you can have with them. Each
person's situation is different. It is important to recognize that your relationship with
them as an adult is different than as a child.
When you find your heart turned towards your parents, and you are thus "honoring"
them, you will have removed a major barrier to your life going well.
Reflection:
What is an example of what honoring your parents does not mean?
What is an example of what honoring your parents does mean?
Have you been honoring you parents in the fashion that God says will cause life
to go well for you?
Do you see any similarities between the weaknesses in your parents and the
weaknesses in the way you relate to God?
Using the analogy of panning for gold, what “gold” can you find in each of your
parents?
Is it difficult for you to make an effort to see your parents as God does?
If you look at yourself truthfully, can you relate any of your talents or skills to
your parents’ influence?
Panning for Gold
Honoring your parents is like panning for gold. When you are panning for gold, you are
free to throw out the part that is not gold, but you are not free to stop panning. You
cannot say, " There is so little gold here that I'll just stop panning.” Gold exists in your
parents if you will keep searching. Your parents have good qualities, if you will look for
them. Of course, the better your parents are, the easier it will be to honor them.
What Honoring Parents DOES NOT Mean
Though you are required by the Lord to keep searching for the "gold" in your parents,
there are misconceptions about your responsibility to honor them that need to be
clarified.
Honoring parents does not mean:
- • Letting them abuse you.
• Letting them manipulate or control you.
• Submitting to their guilt trips.
• Liking them.
• Always agreeing with them, refraining from arguing or having conflict
with them.
• Submitting to their authority, or do what they tell you once you are grown.
• Needing to spend all your free time or holidays with them.
• Taking care of them while they are capable of caring for themselves.
• Having to live near them.
• Abandoning your own self-care, loving of yourself, or honoring of your
own needs and emotions at all times to meet theirs.
• Neglecting to protect and defend yourself or your loved ones.
What Honoring Parents DOES Mean
There are certain responsibilities that you do have towards your parents as a part of
your responsibility to honor them.
- • Honoring does mean that you are to be committed to panning for gold.
You are to be honest about their imperfections (their wounds and bad fruit), but
you must be able to give them every benefit of the doubt. You need to see them
in the best light possible (as long as it is the truth). You are not free to simply
abandon the relationship, as you are free to do with many other difficult, hurtful
relationships.
• Your parents are valuable to you (the root meaning of the Greek word to
honor), even though you may not be aware of this. Not honoring your parents
hurts you. God says so. At some time in your life your parents probably did
some loving things and sometimes acted in loving ways. Because children want
so desperately to be loved by their parents, you need to know that these
memories are cherished somewhere inside you. The good memories will be
hidden somewhere in your heart. However, it may be very difficult for you to
look at those memories. In fact, they may be well hidden from your conscious
awareness by your defenses. But that does not mean they’re not there.
• You do need to honor them with an open heart as unto the Lord, not
grudgingly or simply out of obligation or striving (will power). God always looks
on the heart and not simply on your behavior. If you cannot do this, if your
heart is still bitter, then forgiveness and repentance are not complete. This
inability to have compassion for your parents is bad fruit and it means that you
still have some work to do with the Lord to deal with the bad roots.
• Honoring does mean, If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live
peaceably with all men (Romans 12:18). Note as much as depends on you. You
cannot control the other person, and are only responsible as much as depends on
you. You are not responsible for your parents’ choices or behavior. Honoring
them does mean that you are free to refuse to relate to them in unhealthy ways.
• Honoring does mean that while you are a child in the home you are to obey
them in any way you can that is not in conflict with your relationship with Jesus
and responsibilities to Him.
• Honoring does mean that you will care for them, if necessary, in their old
age
• Honoring does mean that all the other commands about your relationships
with other people apply to your relationship with your parents.
- “Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart,
with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great
commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor
as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the
Prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-40).
The Nature Of Parent-Child Responsibilities Changes
Over Time
In evaluating your future relationship with your parents, it is important that you
understand that your responsibilities towards your parents change dramatically as you
grow up. Children living in their parents' home are a very different circumstance than
adult children who have left the home, and Scripture makes clear these changing
responsibilities.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and
mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: "that it may be well with you
and you may live long on the earth;" And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to
wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:1-4)
As adults, children do not owe their parents this same sort of obedience, and parents no
longer have this same level of responsibility to make sure the children live Godly lives.
There Is No Formula
As an adult, there is no set formula as to what "honoring" means in your relationship
with your parents. Some parents are very safe, and honoring them is easy and can be
done in a broad range of ways. Others parents are very destructive, either to you or to
your children. In such situations there may have to be severe limitations as to what is
safe. But in such a situation, you can still turn your heart towards them by praying for
them.
Summary
If life is not going well for you, it is very possible that at least a part of the difficulty is
that you are not honoring your parents. The laws of God are then working to bring
difficulty into your life.
The necessity to honor one's parents is an ongoing future requirement. It requires that
we have our hearts turned towards them, and that we seek to have as much relationship
with them as is possible in keeping with safety and healthy self-care.
It is important that we see the truth about them. Seeing their faults is not
"dishonoring." However, we are not free to ignore their good attributes. We need to
keep "panning for gold," because there is always "gold" somewhere.
"Judging" and "dishonoring" are different, but linked to each other. If we have judged
our parents, it will be very difficult to truly "honor" them. If we find it difficult to
"honor" them, we probably have some forgiving to do first.
There is no formula regarding what sort of relationship you can have with them. Each
person's situation is different. It is important to recognize that your relationship with
them as an adult is different than as a child.
When you find your heart turned towards your parents, and you are thus "honoring"
them, you will have removed a major barrier to your life going well.
Reflection:
What is an example of what honoring your parents does not mean?
What is an example of what honoring your parents does mean?
Have you been honoring you parents in the fashion that God says will cause life
to go well for you?
Do you see any similarities between the weaknesses in your parents and the
weaknesses in the way you relate to God?
Using the analogy of panning for gold, what “gold” can you find in each of your
parents?
Is it difficult for you to make an effort to see your parents as God does?
If you look at yourself truthfully, can you relate any of your talents or skills to
your parents’ influence?
Divinely Designed
Being changed into the image of Jesus
A miracle can happen to you, like the transformation that
happens when a worm is transformed into a butterfly
(2 Corinthians 3:18).
Being changed into the image of Jesus
A miracle can happen to you, like the transformation that
happens when a worm is transformed into a butterfly
(2 Corinthians 3:18).
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